Ep 58 - Don't Fake It, Just Make It, Especially for Introverts

As an introvert, have you ever "extroverted" or pretended to be something you're not?

In this episode, we'll discuss how introverts are not defective extroverts, and you don't need to pretend to be an extrovert, "fake it 'til you make it" or feel like you just can't do something because of your introversion. "Extrovert" is not a verb. You can succeed as yourself, as an introvert, using your own strengths and gifts. But to be yourself, you have to get to know yourself.  With this understanding, you can be a success even in areas that some might consider limited to extroverts, such as networking and public speaking.  Are you ready to succeed by being yourself?

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David Hall

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Transcript

David Hall [00:00:08]:

Hello and welcome to the Quiet and Strong Podcast, especially for introverts. I'm your host, David Hall, and the creator of quietandstrong.com. This is a weekly podcast dedicated to understanding the strengths and needs of introverts. Introvert is not something to fix, but to be embraced. Normally. We'll air each episode on a Monday. Be sure to subscribe on your favorite platform, leave a review, tell a friend, help get the word out there so I get tired of reading or hearing people say that sometimes you should pretend to be an extrovert or fake being an extrovert, or something along the lines of fake it till you make it. I think this is terrible advice, so you'll never hear me giving it.

David Hall [00:00:57]:

I actually think it's harmful as it's suggesting that extroverts can do things introverts can't. I also hear people say, well, I'm both an introvert and an extrovert, as if it's some kind of safe zone. They seem to be thinking that this way they don't have to really identify as an introvert because they've bought into certain stigma associated with it. Introversion is a natural way of being turning inward, to process information, thinking before we speak, and perhaps needing some time alone to recharge. If you really understand what's at the core of your introversion, then you can learn how to use your strengths and work around your weaknesses. If you're learning to socialize more, it's not that you're acting more extroverted, it's that you have more self awareness of how to maneuver social situations and you've gained confidence in your ability. You're not an extrovert, but simply an introvert being social to me. I know I'll always be an introvert, but I'm learning to be my best.

David Hall [00:02:13]:

I'm always going to need some time to think about things, and no matter what, I'm never going to be an extrovert in seven easy steps. I remember when I was younger hearing the advice just be yourself, and I realized now that that was great advice. What I didn't know at the time was that I didn't know myself. So the advice of just being yourself is great advice, but you have to get to know yourself. You can't be yourself unless you know who you are. It took a while, a few years, but I finally took that deep dive into self awareness to know myself and my personality preferences. When I was young, I loved to pretend imagining I was a superhero or pirate, and I had some great times as an adult and as an introvert. I've also done my fair share of pretending to be something other than who I was, to try to be what I thought others wanted.

David Hall [00:03:20]:

I have come a long way understanding myself and embracing my introversion. The problem in pretending to be something that you're not is that it will leave you feeling drained, and in general, it's probably not going to be effective for you. Throughout the years of self discovery, I've learned how I operate best and what I need. One of my big epiphanies was that those qualities that make me introvert are with me to stay, and I have some unique gifts. Because of that, I spend more time in my head than not. I usually think before I speak, and so on. Introverts and extroverts each have great gifts and strengths, and there's a wide spectrum of gifts and strengths, even among one group to the other. I've learned who I am and who I'm not.

David Hall [00:04:14]:

I have different needs and abilities than anyone else, and so do you. I've also learned that I am most successful and happy when I'm true to myself and not trying to act like something I think others want me to be. Again, I don't like to hear that. In order to be successful, I sometimes need to pretend to be an extrovert or act like an extrovert, or fake it till I make it. I've even heard someone say that introverts need to extrovert from time to time. It's as if the perception is that introverts are somehow defective extroverts. I'm sorry, but extroverts don't hold a monopoly on any particular activity. If you're introvert that participates in public speaking, making conversation, leadership, or many other activities that some might perceive as extroverted activities, it doesn't mean you're pretending to be an extrovert.

David Hall [00:05:18]:

It means you're using your own strengths, succeeding in your own way. I don't think introverts or extroverts own different activities, but rather each approach them differently. So let's take the example of small talk, an activity often defined with extroverts. It's true. Introverts tend to avoid small talk, preferring deep and more intimate conversations. Introverts also tend to think before speaking, and sometimes the pace of small talk may be a bit fast for introverts liking. I definitely have sometimes avoided small talk. However, as I've come to understand myself, I find myself making more small talk than ever.

David Hall [00:06:08]:

Does this make me an extrovert? No, I'm an introvert making small talk in my way. Let me explain a little bit further. I don't enjoy small talk for its own sake, but I know that some people do. I enjoy getting to know others better and to build relationships. And for me, the relationship is the key. I find myself engaging and being more comfortable as I try to build a relationship with someone. I try to remember things about the person and also try to think of some interesting topics ahead of time. It doesn't always come naturally to me, so sometimes I may have to make a bit of an effort, but I'm getting better at it.

David Hall [00:06:48]:

And again, this doesn't mean I'm pretending to be an extrovert. It just means I'm improving my relationship skills. But I'm approaching it in my introverted way. My ability and patience for small talk with those I know or would like to get to know better has greatly improved. However, I'm not likely to strike up a conversation with someone in the grocery store checkout line just for fun. There's times when I need to make small talk and I've learned to prepare for it and just relax and try my best to enjoy it. There are many other examples of how I engage in activities that some may perceive to be extrovert activity. I've learned that by participating in activities, I'm not acting like an extrovert, but rather embracing who I am and getting what I want and need and doing things the way I do them best.

David Hall [00:07:44]:

I have tried to be someone else and it doesn't go so well. So be yourself. Once I gave a two hour workshop to a large group. It went well and was well received by the participants, and I had a great time. I did a lot of preparation leading up to the workshop and that was the key to my success as an introvert. I need to think about the subject ahead of time. I do my best when I start preparing in advance, and so I have some time to let the topic simmer in my mind beforehand. This allows me to make tweaks and fine tune my message before the presentation.

David Hall [00:08:27]:

By taking the time to think about it, I can organize my material and focus on the right information, such as what does this audience need to hear? How best can I organize this? What activities in this presentation will be effective? I have a great strength in putting presentations together, given some time with my introverted mind. I know some extroverted friends and colleagues who don't need to spend as much time in preparation as they may have more of a skill in extemporaneous speaking. Some are very gifted at storytelling or may be good at building an instant connection with the audience. Whatever gift they have that I don't, I try not to compare because I certainly wouldn't give up my gifts in exchange for theirs. The question is not can introverts be good public speakers, but instead how or what does an introvert need to do to be a great public speaker? There's no question introverts or extroverts can be great at anything they put their mind to. It's just that the what and the how are going to look different for each person given his or her individual strengths. So we need to stop asking if introverts can be good public speakers or good leaders, or questioning in a way that places limitations on ability based on personality style. Instead, a better question would be what does an introvert need to do for success? And what are the best ways for introvert to approach it, to approach a particular situation? Don't compare yourself to a person that has different gifts than you, but rather embrace your gifts that are uniquely yours.

David Hall [00:10:15]:

Another example comes from a conference I attended for work. I was looking forward to the speakers and presentations and perhaps seeing some old friends, maybe making a couple new friends. I hung out a little bit with an extroverted friend of mine and realized some important differences. She was there to connect with as many people, both old friends and new, as she possibly could. I had no desire to meet everyone, but rather wanted to have a few good quality conversations instead of a lot of small talk, which is right. Of course, neither is right or wrong, but rather we each had different goals and desires. As an introvert, I'm not going to bounce from person to person and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. She's going to want to talk to as many people as she can, and that is great for her.

David Hall [00:11:05]:

I'm going to have some conversations, but this doesn't make me an extrovert. Maybe there's a reason why I need to meet everyone, or at least a lot of people, and in talking with a lot of people, it still doesn't make me extrovert. I may need to come up with a strategy and think about things to say ahead of time, but again, I'm just an introvert networking, not pretending, not faking it. I also don't pressure myself to interact every minute, but let myself relax, give myself a little room to breathe and recharge alone as needed. I've spent a lot of time in my life comparing myself to extroverts and feeling like I didn't measure up. Comparing myself to my extroverted friend, I finally realized why would I want to act like her, or in this case, network like her, when I don't have the same needs or desires for social interaction? So what are your goals? If you're an introvert, how you accomplish your goals will likely be different than your extroverted friend, and that is okay. I do want to say although you may go about things in a different way, you may still need to make improvements in yourself and sometimes stretch yourself in order to reach your goals. You can't change your introversion, but you can change learn habits, thoughts and fears that are holding back.

David Hall [00:12:28]:

In these type of social situations, the best way to achieve your goals of confidence, energy, strength is to be your best self without pretending to be an extrovert or something you're not. Thank you so much for joining me. I look forward to further connecting with you. Reach out at david@quietandstrong.com. Check out the website quietandstrong.com. I'll add social media channels to the show notes. Send me topics or guests you'd like to see on the show. There's so many great things about being an introvert, and we need those to be understood.

David Hall [00:13:02]:

We need to have conversations about the strengths and needs of introverts, get to know your introverted strengths and needs and be stronger.