Ep 63 - Introversion Is Not Something To Fix

Have you ever felt like you were broken or wished you were somehow different than you are?

I know I have, and so have many of my guests, before we learned that introversion is not something that needs to be "fixed."  Often, this frustration was a result of misunderstanding ourselves or longing for a trait we saw in someone else because we don't understand our own gifts. 

In this episode I'll discuss why it's important to get to know yourself, and how to better understand others.  So, instead of spending all of your time trying to be someone you are not, you can discover what's amazing about YOU. 

You can discover your strengths, understand your own personality, and find ways to be your very best using the natural gifts you have. Listen now to learn how leaning into your strengths instead of your weaknesses can make you strong! 

- - -

Contact the Host of the Quiet and Strong Podcast:

David Hall

Author, Speaker, Educator, Podcaster

quietandstrong.com
Gobio.link/quietandstrong
david [at] quietandstrong.com

Take the FREE Personality Assessment:

Typefinder Personality Assessment

Follow David on your favorite social platform:

Twitter | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Youtube

Get David's book:
Minding Your Time: Time Management, Productivity, and Success, Especially for Introverts

You may also like:
Quiet & Strong Merchandise

Transcript

David Hall [00:00:08]:
Hello. And welcome to the Quiet and Strong Podcast, especially for introverts. I'm your host, David Hall, and the creator of quietestrong.com.

David Hall [00:00:18]:
It's a weekly podcast dedicated to understanding the strengths and needs of introverts. Introversion is not something to fix, but to be embraced. Normally, we'll air each episode on a Monday. Be sure to subscribe on your favorite platform.

David Hall [00:00:32]:
Leave a review. Tell a friend, help get the word out there. In my time, I've come across so many introverts that at one time or another thought they were broken.

David Hall [00:00:46]:
many of the introvert authors, coaches, speakers, podcasters I speak with and read about felt this way at one time. Something was wrong with them.

David Hall [00:00:57]:
The good news is they realized they were not broken and really had some great strengths.

David Hall [00:01:05]:
Unfortunately, there's still too many that think their situation is hopeless, and they can't get what they want out of life.

David Hall [00:01:16]:
And this is why I do what I do. If you are feeling broken, You are not.

David Hall [00:01:22]:
You may need to come to understand your gifts and also what you need, but this can be done. as has been proved by many others. Also keep in mind

David Hall [00:01:34]:
that there are many introverts

David Hall [00:01:36]:
that have not felt this way that didn't feel broken. But one way or another, we can all benefit from learning from other introverts about their secrets and strategies for success, happiness, energy, and peace. So I was definitely part of that group that felt something was wrong with me. I needed fixing.

David Hall [00:01:59]:
And I'll say about the time that I learned my introversion couldn't be fixed. I realized it didn't need fixing. I realized Interversion is a beautiful thing.

David Hall [00:02:15]:
I don't need my introversion to be fixed or cured, but rather, I need to understand how I work best and where my strengths truly are.

David Hall [00:02:29]:
And as you'll hear me say in most intros to the show, introversion is not something to fix, but to be embraced. So now that you understand that you don't need fixing, Do others know this too? Meaning, have you ever had the experience of someone trying to fix you? in a way that doesn't incorporate your strengths and needs? I know I have in many settings and many circumstances. So when I was in graduate school studying counseling, I took the Kirsty temperament sorter. It was a self assessment of personnel designed by David Kirsey. It closely resembles the Myers Briggs type indicator or MBTI. but there's some significant differences between the two assessments.

David Hall [00:03:24]:
I later read, please understand me too, The 2 means that the second edition by David Kirsey.

David Hall [00:03:33]:
And right at the beginning of the book, Kiersey takes on this concept that we don't need fixing, but understanding. I'm gonna read

David Hall [00:03:45]:
a few excerpts from the beginning of this book, which I just absolutely love. He says, If you do not want what I want, please try not to tell me my want is wrong. or if my beliefs are different from yours, at least pause before you set out to correct them. He also says, or if I act, or fail to act in the manner of your design for action. Please let me be. I do not, for the moment, at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you're willing to give up trying to change me into a copy of you.

David Hall [00:04:28]:
Or if my emotion seems less or more intense than yours, given the same circumstances?

David Hall [00:04:34]:
Try not to ask me to feel other than I do.

David Hall [00:04:38]:
And then the end,

David Hall [00:04:40]:
the last one. And one day, perhaps in trying to understand me, you might come to price my differences and far from seeking to change me. might preserve and even cherish those differences. Powerful quotes. I love the word cherish here. I need to cherish my differences and also the differences of others. Others need to cherish my differences and the difference of others. So my type is intjor

David Hall [00:05:16]:
in Kirsty's book calls it The Mastermind. I like the sound of Mastermind. And just knowing the title, Someone can make some assumptions about me. But for it truly to be helpful, I need to dive into what's behind that mastermind label. And, again, what are my preferences, strengths, and needs? You know? For example, curiously lists that INTJ's

David Hall [00:05:45]:
are head and shoulders above the rest and contingency planning. That's definitely a strength of mine.

David Hall [00:05:52]:
You know, I work in environment. Sometimes there's limited resources. And often, I'm juggling to try to determine what the most efficient use of resources are. Not only am I good at it, but I thoroughly enjoy using my strengths in this way.

David Hall [00:06:11]:
This has always been a strength of mine. but I have not always fully understood it as a gift.

David Hall [00:06:17]:
Also, it's important for me to know that I need to contribute in this way. I need to be recognized by others of being good at this, because I know it can be frustrating for people who may not see the big picture

David Hall [00:06:30]:
in the way that I do.

David Hall [00:06:32]:
Of course, this doesn't make me better than anyone, but rather understanding allows me to use my gift and allow others to use their gifts that maybe I don't have. By understanding what INTJ means, I may also identify my weaknesses or blind spots. Kersey States, colleagues may describe INTJ's as unemotional and a times, cold, and dispassionate. When truth, they're merely taking the goals of the institution seriously and continually striving to achieve those goals. Again, something I need to understand and keep in mind so I can make sure I'm understood by others. I don't ever wanna come off as cold and dispassionate.

David Hall [00:07:21]:
And I may need to explain why I made a particular decision. I do care deeply about the work I do and the people I work with. But as an INTJ, I definitely could be misunderstood if I'm not careful.

David Hall [00:07:37]:
As we read information like this about our own personality,

David Hall [00:07:40]:
We need to validate if it's true for us.

David Hall [00:07:44]:
We need to remember, assessments like this are just tools and there may be some things that don't apply to us. So my wife is my best friend, We've been married a long time, and we are a lot alike,

David Hall [00:08:01]:
but we're not exactly alike.

David Hall [00:08:04]:
Again, I need to price and cherish her differences as she does mine. She has some amazing gifts and strengths.

David Hall [00:08:12]:
but they're not exactly like mine. I think we've learned this about each other over the years. There are some things that we're gonna approach into different ways, and that's great.

David Hall [00:08:25]:
If we were constantly trying to change or fix each other,

David Hall [00:08:28]:
we probably wouldn't be as happy as we are. She's a brilliant marketer and loves to help others with their marketing plans and goals, including me. I watch her come alive as she uses her gifts. Not my gifts, but hers.

David Hall [00:08:45]:
Did I mention she's amazing? She's also my editor. And so if I say anything she doesn't like, she does have the ability to take it out if she doesn't agree. She is amazing. So have you had the experience of someone trying to fix you? Hopefully, you've had the experience of being seen for who you are.

David Hall [00:09:10]:
If things are not ideal, they absolutely can get better, and that starts with you gaining a self awareness. And as you're more self aware,

David Hall [00:09:21]:
You can work to use your gifts and help people around you understand your gifts and your needs. So an instrument like the Kersey temperament sorter or the Myers Briggs type indicator,

David Hall [00:09:34]:
MBTI, or some people just say Myers Briggs, can be very helpful. Again,

David Hall [00:09:40]:
we need to remember. These assessments are just tools. and there may be some things that don't apply to us.

David Hall [00:09:48]:
The assessments don't make us who we are,

David Hall [00:09:52]:
But they do give us some things to think about. We're all individuals. but these tools can help us see similarities we may have with others and some strategies for success. And even without an assessment, You can pay attention to those things that strengthen you each day

David Hall [00:10:13]:
and work towards incorporating more activities that strengthen you.

David Hall [00:10:18]:
Many years ago, I read, now discover your strengths by Marcus Buckingham and Donald Clifton. It came with the strengths finder profile, 34 distinct talents or themes,

David Hall [00:10:35]:
And the purpose of strength finder is it gives you your top 5 strengths, so to speak, and that's where your focus should be, what your strengths are, and, you know, not so much on your weaknesses.

David Hall [00:10:48]:
And as Marcus Buckingham said, You grow most in your areas of greatest strength. You will improve the most, be the most creative,

David Hall [00:10:58]:
be the most inquisitive, and bounce back the fastest in those areas where you have already shown some natural advantage over everyone else, your strengths,

David Hall [00:11:08]:
This doesn't mean you should ignore your weaknesses. It just means you'll grow most where you're already strong.

David Hall [00:11:16]:
That's the key. You're gonna grow exponentially in the areas where you're strong.

David Hall [00:11:24]:
We all have to deal with our weaknesses, but the focus should be on our strengths. So I became certified in giving this training. It's now called CliftonStrengths. And I found that using the Myers Briggs and also CliftonStrengths together can be very helpful to get at some different strengths. I'll review my top 5 for CliftonStrengths, and I'll give some brief explanations if you're not familiar with it. I'll also review some gifts of others that I don't have, or at least not in the same way. So my top 5 is connectedness.

David Hall [00:12:03]:
I do believe that we're all connected, and I see connections and patterns everywhere with people and things.

David Hall [00:12:14]:
My other is learner. I'm always learning, and I'm always working to improve

David Hall [00:12:21]:
Analytical. I look for reasons and causes. I'm able to see all the factors in a situation.

David Hall [00:12:30]:
ideation is my 4th. My ideas never stop. And I really thrive on coming up with new and original thoughts. Intellectual. Again, Entravision is not called out in this assessment, but intellection is a strength where

David Hall [00:12:52]:
I am very introspective, and I look for intellectual discussions. And I I think that's part of being an introvert.

David Hall [00:13:03]:
These are strengths of mine, and I didn't always understand that. Looking back, they've always been strengths. But, you know, there's many times in my life where I didn't fully utilize them. I now know to be my best and to do meaningful work.

David Hall [00:13:21]:
I need to use them on a regular basis.

David Hall [00:13:25]:
So Being both a participant first and then a trainer,

David Hall [00:13:30]:
I learned much from hearing others describe their strengths.

David Hall [00:13:34]:
One such experience, I was sitting in a group with someone that had empathy in their top 5. According to CliftonStrengths, here's the description for someone high in empathy. You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they're feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you're able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. As she spoke, I realized she had a gift that I naturally did not. Why? I don't know. I realized I don't feel others feelings naturally as she does. And on this assessment, empathy described in this way was at the bottom of my list. Now before you judge me, and now you are, I do care deeply about others. As in my strengths for connectedness, I see that we're all connected. But instead of feeling, I use my gifts to imagine or put myself into another shoes. to try to get a sense of what they're going through. And no amount of fixing would change the different ways

David Hall [00:14:53]:
that we thighs with people. This person is going to naturally sense the feelings of others and I'm gonna use my imagination as I care for people. Neither is right or wrong, but I need to understand how I do this and how someone else might be different.

David Hall [00:15:14]:
There are many more strengths. You know, the focus is on the top 5, but it's possible to get all 34. At the bottom of my list, Along with empathy is something called WOO, w o o. WOO stands for winning others over You enjoy the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you. Strangers are rarely intimidating to you. So this sounds kinda like extrovert to me. You know, as a introvert, I do win people over. but it's probably more gradual than it would be for someone who has this strength called wu. And I don't need to be jealous. but I just need to understand how I best go about things. There are many others. Again, there's 34 altogether. such as someone with the gift of or strength of communication is is maybe a gifted storyteller.

David Hall [00:16:16]:
or the Maximizer has a great gift for seeing how things can be their very best.

David Hall [00:16:23]:
or the activator,

David Hall [00:16:25]:
must get things done, must get things going right away, and many others. Again, it's something that I highly recommend. You know, working in a group setting can be very beneficial by hearing other people describe their strengths, but also having you articulate your strengths to somebody else. So or maybe it might be helpful to work with a coach.

David Hall [00:16:51]:
I've had some amazing coaches and therapists on this show, and I've been inspired by them, and I would be coached by any of them.

David Hall [00:17:01]:
I did have a fantastic experience as I was involved in this strengths quest. Now CliftonStrengths work.

David Hall [00:17:08]:
I had a coach for a few sessions, and this coach really saw me for who I was, and she helped me talk about the strengths and gifts that I have, She was not trying to fix me. That's what we need as humans to be seen and understood. Not fixed.

David Hall [00:17:35]:
Even if you're not a coach, you can bring this to those in your life whether you're a supervisor or a parent, coworker, a spouse, or partner, or many other relationships. The experience of, I see you, From another, it's magical. It's inspiring. It's powerful. Of course, this doesn't mean that we can't get better. But, again, we improve by leaps and bounds when we are getting better by understanding ourselves and not trying to be someone that we're not or not trying to force a course someone being something they're not. We don't need fixing, but we need understanding, both for ourselves and for others. So I love this work that Marcus Buckingham was involved with starting. and I'm excited for Marcus Buckingham's next book. It's called Love And Work. It's coming out very soon, and I'm attending a series of webinars. And in anticipation of the book. It's along the same lines of living and working within your strengths. In a webinar the other day, he made a point that really hit me.

David Hall [00:18:53]:
It was as far as work, he said, we should be more concerned

David Hall [00:18:57]:
with the outcomes that need to be achieved and not necessarily the way in which things are accomplished. Help others work in their strengths. You know, I've seen people with very similar jobs be very successful, but using different methods. We need to allow for that. And, again, cherish others and not try to change them into something they are not. I need to be my best, not your best.

David Hall [00:19:28]:
Just to close,

David Hall [00:19:31]:
I wanna repeat one of the quotes from David Kirsey's. Please understand me too. And one day, perhaps in trying to understand me, you might come to prize my differences. Had far from seeking to change me, might preserve and even cherish those differences.

David Hall [00:19:52]:
Thank you so much for joining me. I look forward to further connecting with you. Reach out at david@quietandstrong.com. Check out the website, quietsong.com. I'll add social media channels to the show notes. Send me topics or guests you'd like to see on the show. There's so many great things about being an introvert.

David Hall [00:20:14]:
We need those to be understood. Get to know your introverted strengths and needs and be strong.