Ep 69 - Introverts, Extroverts, and Parenthood

Happy Mother’s Day!

As we celebrated Mother's Day this past week, how many of us struggle with parenting? Whether an introvert or extrovert, each child definitely comes with their own personality and unique gifts and needs.

In this episode, David discusses the challenges and joys of parenthood - whether you're an introvert or extrovert, and whether your partner or children are introverts and extroverts. It showcases the different ways that both personality types can approach parenting, and highlights the strengths of both personality types.

Listen as David explores the different ways introverts and extroverts approach parenting, and how to make the most of your unique strengths as a parent.

Books mentioned in this episode:

The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child - Marti Olsen Laney
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain

Blog Article:  Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Six things to consider

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Contact the Host of the Quiet and Strong Podcast:

David Hall

Author, Speaker, Educator, Podcaster

quietandstrong.com
Gobio.link/quietandstrong
david [at] quietandstrong.com

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Transcript

David Hall [00:00:08]:
Hello, and welcome to the Quiet and Strong podcast especially for introverts. I'm your host, David Hall, and the creator of quietandstrong.com. This is a weekly podcast dedicated to understanding the strengths and needs of introverts. Introversion is not something to fix, but to be embraced. Normally, we'll air each episode on a Monday. Be sure to subscribe on your favorite platform. Hope all you mothers out there had a very happy Mother's Day. Recently, I was in a group, and I was asked who I thought the most influential woman was.

David Hall [00:00:40]:
I think they're looking for a famous leader. But from the beginning, my mom popped into my head, and I honestly couldn't think of anybody else. My mom's amazing. She raised a very large family and loved and cared for us all. You know, some of my best memories were having a chat after school with just me and my mom. Again, I had a lot of brothers and sisters, but somehow she managed this time for me. Now I have 3 kids of my own, And I really don't know how she managed all of us. She's now grandma and even a great grandma and continues to show love and concern for all of us.

David Hall [00:01:17]:
We have a regular group text with my brothers and sisters, and she's always very active in it. My dad was the love of her life, and he unexpectedly passed away 4 years ago. And she keeps going and watching out for all of us. If you're listening, mom, which she often does, I love you. I'm still not sure if she or my dad were introverts or extroverts. You know, when I was a kid, this really our personalities weren't discussed or even understood, And fortunately, much has changed, and there's a lot more conversation. We still need to have more. Either way, With my mom, her faith and family were extremely important to her.

David Hall [00:01:59]:
Also, happy Mother's Day to my wife, Carrie. She's one of the most amazing moms I know. I feel very fortunate to be married to my best friend who gets me, and together, we have 3 amazing kids. It's also fascinating that all 3 kids are very different. 3 being raised basically the same, but each has his, Her own unique strengths, needs, and desires. Carrie loves them all so very much, and she'd do anything for them. I think my kids probably like her best, and that's they probably should. And a shout out to Carrie's mom, who is one of the kindest and most caring people I've ever met.

David Hall [00:02:40]:
She literally would give the shirt off her back to help someone she loves. And to all you moms out there, I wish you a happy Mother's Day. Your love and influence shapes future generations. I do wanna acknowledge Mother's Day can be tough for many. Whether it's a reminder of the loss of a parent or a child or of a strained relationship Or have a dream unfulfilled. Maybe you're called to a different path or purpose. I wanna talk about parenting today. But if your current role is not that of a parent, I hope you'll think about how to recognize the great gifts in yourself and those others in your life.

David Hall [00:03:24]:
Once I was listening to the radio on the way to work, and the guest was speaking about parenting. She said something to the effect that parenting was the toughest, yet most rewarding thing anyone could do. I've often thought about that Since becoming a parent, parenting and motherhood can be difficult in the context of understanding introversion and extroversion as well. So my wife and I are both introverts. We have a couple of extroverted children and 1 introverted child. These different dynamics can be challenging. For example, sometimes I may not be able to keep up with the amount of talking my kids might need. Or I may be concerned that I'm not speaking enough with my child.

David Hall [00:04:10]:
And you may have different dynamics in your family, 1 introverted and 1 extroverted parent or 2 extroverted parents and so on. In the hidden gifts of the introverted child, Marty Olson Laney writes, speak with your children about temperament. Even very young children Can understand that people are born with unique personalities. Explain that part of temperament is about where someone gets His energy and where he focuses his attention, inside himself or outside himself. Understanding the idea of temperament will help your child Whether any perceived criticisms of his introverted nature. This way he knows there's a reason for his responses and needs, And he won't take things as personally. Give him the tools he needs to gauge other people's temperaments. Accepting that others are different In their own way will enhance his people skills and tolerance, end quote.

David Hall [00:05:16]:
Since I've begun blogging and now podcasting, I've had more conversations with my kids about their temperaments. And it's not about the labels, but rather about their strengths and their needs. I may talk with him about my strengths and my needs. I may talk with my introvert about his great thinking ability. And sometimes, He might need to ask for some time to think, for example. Or I may tell my extrovert that I need 15 minutes to unwind, and then I'm ready to hang out. I'm not saying to them you're an introvert and you're an extrovert, but rather talking about what's happening and what they're experiencing. I'm finding that not only will this improve our relationship now, but it will also help them in their future relationships.

David Hall [00:06:00]:
And most of all, it will help them better understand and use their strengths to be happy and successful. Here's another great quote from Marty Olson Laney. Introverted children really are small wonders. Accept them as they are. By supporting their natural resources, you will allow their gifts to grow. Being an introvert and being self assured are not mutually exclusive. Confident introverted children will forge adult lives of meaning, value, and creativity. My kids are not all introverts, and I think extrovert Could just as easily be substituted in the quote above.

David Hall [00:06:39]:
The point is, whether your child is an introvert or extrovert, You nurture their gifts and help them gain confidence in who they are. You show understanding and patience when needed, which can be difficult and your child is different from you. Again, I'm careful not to use the labels without discussion because I believe labels without understanding can be harmful. But I think it is helpful to talk about strengths and needs. I believe that helping your children discover What is unique or special about themselves and then helping them develop those qualities is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. I did have to laugh when my daughter was young, and she listened to my wife and I discuss my blog. She said to her brother, I am an extrovert, and I need people. We had never told her this, but it was true.

David Hall [00:07:31]:
And as introverted parents, we needed to be aware of her social needs even though they are different from ours. At the same time, We need to respect the need for alone time in our introverted children, but also encourage balance in exploring and interacting with others. Understanding my own strengths and needs has been a long journey. Growing up, sometimes I thought something was wrong with me, and I didn't understand my introversion, or how my own strengths and needs Impacted the way I interacted with the world. One of my goals as a father is to help my kids have a clear understanding of themselves so they can get what they want out of life and be 1 Christmas, again, my daughter was young, she made a coupon book for her mom, my wife. It was the sweetest thing. There were coupons for lots of things like emptying the dishwasher, bringing her mom a snack or a drink of water, and cleaning up. And then there was a leave me alone coupon.

David Hall [00:08:31]:
If you know my introverted wife and my extroverted daughter, this was very thoughtful and so cute. My wife has run her business from home ever since we started having kids. And as an introvert, she does need some time, Some quiet or alone time from time to time. Of course, she would never phrase it that way, leave me alone. But she often stays up late working to find her quiet. And there were times, especially when the kids were younger, And she was going to the store or or some other errand, and I would say, don't you wanna take the kids? And she'd say, nope. Because that was another Way she could find some quiet. My daughter needs people, which is usually her mom, On a pretty state steady basis.

David Hall [00:09:20]:
But she recognizes her mom's need for quiet now and then, and she knows that her mom loves her dearly. That she is already understanding what her mom might need sometimes. Again, when discussing introverts and extroverts, I'm careful not to make it about the label, but we discuss what we need individually and where our individual gifts and strengths are. There are no perfect parents out there. I know I didn't come with a book for my parents to follow, and my kids didn't come with 1 either. And my kids are all different with their own amazing gifts and also needs. All the while, While I'm trying to be a perfect parent, I'm learning and growing myself. Does your family know what you need? Do you know what they need? Do they know that you love them? Have conversations with those you love.

David Hall [00:10:18]:
When everyone's needs are understood and recognized, you can ask for what you need with patience and kindness. Give yourself some grace, and try to do your best. Also, give your parents some grace As they probably tried, or are trying, to give their best. We all need this understanding from others, and for others. In a family dynamic, we each have to support the needs of each other, including giving up some solitude to spend some time with your little extroverts, or giving the introverts in your family a little space while also making sure we have what we need to be our best for them. And I'm definitely not a perfect father, but I'm really trying to help my kids have confidence in who they are, to help them see the wonder of their own unique gifts. As parents helping your children understand who they are and how they work best will go so much farther than trying to change their nature. When you work with your child's strengths instead of against them, you will help them become strong.

David Hall [00:11:20]:
So whether you're an introverted or extroverted parent or have introverted or extroverted kids, think of strengths and needs. I'll put a link to the article, Are You an Introvert or Extrovert? 6 Things to Consider From the Quiet and Strong website, you may have used this to think of your own needs, but you can also consider your child. Does my child need some space right now, or do they need more conversation from me? How does my child like to communicate? Do they understand my communication preferences? Do they need some small talk, or do they like to dive into deep conversations? Do they need to think during conversations? Or do they know that they may need some time to think? Do they have good friendships? Remember, It's normal for introvert to have a smaller, tight knit tight knit group tight knit group of friends, and extroverts may have many friends. With all these things, there's not good or bad, but understanding is what's needed. Where are my child's strengths? How can I nurture these? I like how Susan Cain, author of Quiet, put it in ten tips for parenting an introverted child. Cain says, Don't just accept your child for who she is. Treasure her for who she is. Each child comes with gifts, And we should treasure them.

David Hall [00:12:43]:
Cain goes on to say that we should figure out their passions and help them develop them. It's possible they may be different from the traditional childhood activities. As parents, we have so many opportunities help our introverted or extroverted children gain understanding and learn what's wonderful about them. Again, as Susan Cain said, treasure your child for who they are. Let's keep the conversation going for understanding for us and for our children. Hope all of you that are mothers had a wonderful Mother's Day. Remember to not only look out for the needs of your introverted child or extroverted children, but also take care of yourself and your own introverted or extroverted needs. If you haven't already, take some time to appreciate your own mother.

David Hall [00:13:28]:
Thank you so much for joining me today. I look forward to further connecting with you. Reach out at david@quietandstrong .com or check out the quiet and strong .com website. I'll add social media channels to the show notes. Please comment on the social media posts related to this podcast. Send me topics or guests you'd like to see. There's so many great things about being an introvert, so we need those to be understood. Get to know your introverted strengths and needs, and be strong.