Ep 70 - Busting the Myths of Introverts and Connection

Do you long to make connections, even though you're an introvert?

As introverts, we all long to make connections. It is just that the connections we want to make are deep - not just surface level.  This can be a challenge, but you can improve in the areas where you want to.  It can take some time for you to get to know others and then it may be a slow process to get to know them, it may take even more time to find those people that you can form deep connections with.

Listen to this episode to learn more about connecting as an introvert, and be strong.

Books mentioned in this episode:

Introvert Power” by Dr. Laurie Helgoe

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David Hall

Author, Speaker, Educator, Podcaster

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Transcript

David Hall [00:00:08]:
Hello, and welcome to the Quiet and Strong podcast, especially for introverts. I'm your host, David Hall, and the creator of quiet and strong.com. This is a weekly podcast dedicated to understanding the strengths and needs of introverts. Introversion is not something to fix, but to be embraced. Normally, we'll air each episode on a Monday. Be sure to subscribe on your favorite platform. Leave a review. Tell a friend.

David Hall [00:00:33]:
Help me get the word out there. So the Quiet and Strong podcast is all about the strengths and needs of introverts along with strategies for success. And, of course, We do myth busting around introversion. A common myth that we've talked about on various episodes And with my guess is that introverts hate people and just wanna be left alone. Are you a introvert that feels that way? Of course, we do need some time alone. It's very important. But we also need and wanna spend time with friends and family and others. I heard someone say in relation to the pandemic that, oh, introverts say love being alone, left alone all the time.

David Hall [00:01:20]:
And I do know that we value our alone time, but I can't support that kind of statement that we all love being left alone all the time. What do you think about that statement? How did the pandemic impact you? Did you get more alone time in a good way, or did you find yourself cooped up without enough time alone? Did you miss some of the in person interaction that you had before, or did you feel lonely? I know in the height of the pandemic, I was feeling quite isolated. I was mostly spending time with my wife and kids, who I love, But I did miss many family and friends. And, you know, as the world is opening up again, I'm starting to see, these people more. And we are gonna differ in how much connection we need, but we all need connection. Introverts need to find the right balance between social time and some time alone. And, of course, you may have some different social needs Than a extrovert or even another introvert, but you have social needs nonetheless. So now I'm having a lot of firsts after the pandemic.

David Hall [00:02:42]:
You know, first after. I went to a large in person conference. I used to go to them all the time, you know, prior to a couple years ago, and I did a presentation. It felt good to connect with old friends new. I do like attending conferences. It felt like A bit of a return to normal. It was good to see people gathered again. Of course, another time we could talk about conference and attending strategies along with, if you're a planner, how to make, introvert friendly events.

David Hall [00:03:21]:
I also remember, and it wasn't that long ago, My first in person meeting after working from home for almost a couple years. It did feel good to sit across the table from someone And not staring at him in in the box on my, you know, in a box on my computer screen. And it was strange because I Didn't bring my laptop. You know? Probably in the past, I I brought my laptop to a lot of meetings, and it was strange to me without a computer. But it did feel good to have that in person connection. Again, There are some advantages to Zoom and virtual meetings, and that's another topic for another day too. I've also been to some large family gatherings that, you know, we went without for a while. I have a big and close family, And we have a great time together, and, again, it felt good just to hang out And have some fun.

David Hall [00:04:20]:
And, of course, there's many more first after the pandemic. Maybe some I haven't even done yet. But the point is whether you're an introvert or extrovert, connection with other people is very important to us as human beings. The myth that introverts hate people, it's not helpful, and it can actually be harmful. And Enjoying these connections that I'm talking about, it doesn't make me extrovert. But I'm a introvert living life in my own introverted way, enjoy enjoying being with people, and also the right blend of some alone time. You know, I've had some great guests on the podcast. So far, all have been fellow introverts who have learned to embrace their introversion for success in life and in business, and many now specialize in the business of helping other introverts embrace who they are.

David Hall [00:05:18]:
And with these guests, I felt a really a real sense of connection. It feels like a conversation between 2 friends discussing topics very dear to them, and sometimes laughing It's some of the absurdity of it all. Introverts making real and important connection, and having a great time 1 on 1. So I wanna get a bit more into the why of it all, And try to bust this myth of introverts not liking people in general. So what is the definition of introversion? Unfortunately, we're not all on the same page. For me, introversion is like it sounds. We are turned inward More often than not to our inner world of ideas and often rich imagination, There's a much strength and creativity that comes from this inner life. And This, introversion, it's called our preference.

David Hall [00:06:23]:
Our preference for introversion Or for some, their preference is extroversion. Of course, as introverts, we spend plenty of time Outside of our inner world. I often hear this definition, the main difference between introverts and extroverts Is how they get their energy or recharge. There's a lot of truth in there, but I wanna change it a bit. I would say the main difference between introverts and extroverts It's where we focus, like I was saying, either our inner or outer world, and we often need to recharge alone After being in certain situations or with certain people. The energy discussion is so important to introverts. But if we are saying that it is only about energy, I think we're discounting our great strengths and creativity that come with our introversion. Also, we can recharge or get energy from another person when engaged in meaningful conversations, Often 1 on 1.

David Hall [00:07:27]:
Many guests on the podcast have confirmed this for themselves as well, And there have been so many guest episodes that have given me energy, so We can be recharged by the connections we make. Not always. Sometimes we're drained, But we can actually be recharged. So to say that it's only about us needing to recharge alone, That's not the full picture. You know, you may have heard me say in in previous shows, I'm married to my best friend and often recharge or get energized by her. Do you have people in your life you recharge with or get energized by? Again, we have a myth to bust here. So let me put it this way. Being a deep thinker Is it is what is at the heart of my introversion? I turn inward to thought more often than not.

David Hall [00:08:30]:
This is how I naturally process the world around me internally rather than externally. So when I'm spending more time focused externally, This does tend to drain my energy. The key is to know what drains your energy and how to find that space and activity or Lack of activity that will recharge you. Many have written about the introvert need for recharge, but with so many different types of introverts, I don't think the need for recharge is the same for every introvert. The important thing is to know yourself, what drains you, and how you best recharge. You You know, in the beginning, I talked about attending a conference. So for example, if I'm attending a conference and I start to feel drained or even overwhelmed, Maybe a walk on the grounds will do the job. Where do you find and make opportunities for recharge each day with different things that you're doing? And I'm not an introvert because I need to recharge.

David Hall [00:09:32]:
I need to recharge because I'm an introvert. Again, I'm a deep thinker. When I can't think, this can be draining. Other introverts might be deep thinkers and also deep feelers, Sometimes in an empathic way, we need some time to think and also feel. But this doesn't mean we want to be alone all the time. We need to stop using introversion as a measure of sociability. The question is, What do you want? Are you getting what you want? Do you know how to get what you want? Introverts and extroverts both need to be able to answer these questions. However, the questions and answers will look different for introverts and extroverts.

David Hall [00:10:20]:
Let's look at an example. As the world is opening up again, so are things like networking events. So imagine you're walking into a room of a 100 strangers with an opportunity to network, as they say. For many extroverts, this sounds like a great time. Meeting all 100 people, if possible, And bouncing from person to person and happily making new connections in short bursts of conversation, That can for some introvert or for some extroverts, that can be a dream. Now there may be some shy extroverts Who want to be able to do this, but they're lacking confidence for some reason, and they need to learn to get confidence as a extrovert to do something that they want To do. And, of course, confidence can be gained. But I've learned that I do value connections, but for me, short conversations usually aren't gonna be meaningful, And I prefer some deeper conversations with a person or 2.

David Hall [00:11:32]:
I've become more comfortable with this type of situation, But also networking in my own introverted way. There was a time when I felt like something was wrong with me for not liking the traditional networking event. Now I know if I try to network like a extrovert, I'll probably be drained, and it won't be that effective for me likely. But I can network in my way, build connections effectively, and This can be learned if you're not yet getting what you want. But keep in mind that I've learned that This type of event, just in the traditional way of bouncing around, it's not what I want, and I don't need to feel bad about it. But I do wanna make connections, and I can make connections at an event like this or in other ways. And no matter what, I'm a deep thinker and will always be an introvert as being a deep thinker is what makes me an introvert, And that's a great thing. I won't ever call myself an extroverted introvert or anything like along those lines as I sometimes hear people Say, I'm an introvert, but I can be strong by getting to know myself.

David Hall [00:12:48]:
As introverts, We wanna talk about things that are important to us. We don't wanna make endless small talk. Some small talk is important And can be enjoyable. But as introverts, if it goes on too long, it can be quite Draining and not enjoyable. And, again, if if you're not able to do small talk in the way that you want to and need to, That's something that can be learned. So do introverts like people? Yes. We like and need people. We do need some time alone regularly to recharge, make plans, focus on certain things, reflect, dream, and enjoy our rich imaginations.

David Hall [00:13:34]:
We wanna share our ideas. We wanna share our love of ideas with those we love and make new connections. Often, we do best in 1 on 1 or smaller group gatherings or with close connections. As introverts, we long to make connections. It's just that the connections we want to make are deep. This can be a challenge, but you can improve in areas where you want to. It can take some time for you to get to know others, And then it may be a slow process to get to know them more deeply. It may take even more time To find those people that you can form deep connections with.

David Hall [00:14:15]:
Doctor Lori Helgo in introvert power states, For introverts, the best associations start with ideas. If you don't feel part of your neighborhood association or the happy hour regulars after work, don't force it. The community that surrounds you may not be your community. Give yourself the gift of the outside world that represents you. Volunteer for a cause that you care about. Post an online profile and find find other people who love Elvis, quantum physics, and tennis, audition for a play, or audit a college course. Attend a workshop or conference on something that fascinates you. Do what you love a little more publicly, and your people will come, end quote.

David Hall [00:15:06]:
When it comes to finding these deeper relationships, don't force it, as Lori Helga says, is something so helpful to remember. I've been living by this don't force it motto when I'm at work, out in the community, or at various social gatherings. I don't try to be all things to all people as I once did. I don't feel bad if I'm not working the room, so to speak, But rather, I look for those deeper connections I might form. It often takes more time forming friendships As an introvert, so be patient, and it will be worth it. I think don't force it really sums it up with making connections. It is when we are trying to force things or go along with a more extroverted approach to doing things. It doesn't feel right or draining, or we feel bad about who we are.

David Hall [00:16:01]:
And that is how the myth of us not liking people as introverts Lingers. Remember, you are an amazing person with your own gifts and strengths, so find and honor great connections. We do like people, and we need people, but don't force it. Thank you so much for joining me. I look forward to further connecting with you. Reach out at david@quietandstrong.com or check out the website quiet and strong.com. All our social media channels to the show notes. Please comment on social media posts related to this podcast.

David Hall [00:16:40]:
Send me topics Or guests that you'd like to see on the show. So many great things about being an introvert, and we need those to be understood. Get to know your introverted strengths and needs and be strong.