Ep 285 - Introverts: It's Not If But How with host David Hall

Do you ever feel like, as an introvert, some may think you need to act more extroverted to succeed at things like public speaking, networking, or group events? In this episode of The Quiet And Strong Podcast, David Hall explores how introverts can thrive in all kinds of situations—not by pretending to be someone else, but by embracing their own strengths and unique approaches. It’s not about whether introverts can do something, but how we do it—on our own terms, in ways that fit our personality and energize us.

You’ll discover the true definition of introversion, common myths (and how to bust them), and why terms like “ambivert” can cause more confusion than clarity. David Hall shares personal insights and practical strategies, from navigating social situations and networking events to embracing the unique strengths introverts bring to relationships, creativity, and leadership.

Listen in to build a better understanding of yourself or the introverts in your life, learn ways to honor your needs, and get actionable tips for defining success on your own terms. Find out why embracing your natural tendencies isn’t about labels but about thriving in your own way—and be strong.

Episode Link: QuietandStrong.com/285

Transcript

David Hall [00:00:09]:
Hello and welcome to episode 285 of the Quiet and Strong podcast, especially for introverts. I'm your host, David Hall, and the creator of QuietAndStrong.com. This is a weekly podcast dedicated to understanding the strengths and needs of introverts, along with strategies for success. Introversion is not something to fix, but to be embraced. Normally we'll air each episode on a Monday. Be sure to subscribe on your favorite platform, leave a review and a rating. That would mean a lot to me and help others find the show. Tell a friend about the podcast and help get the word out there that introversion is a beautiful thing.

David Hall [00:00:44]:
So I recently attended a webinar on personality type. It was great. I really enjoyed it. The focus wasn't just on understanding yourself, But how to work better with others by understanding their personality preferences too. When the discussion turned to introversion and extroversion, there was a lot of talk about being in the middle, too much talk about being in the middle. People were clearly uncomfortable with the label introvert or extrovert, and some quickly reached terms like ambivert. And I don't use the term ambivert. I don't talk about the middle.

David Hall [00:01:20]:
And I'm going to tell you why. Very often people say to me, David, I need time alone, but I like people, so I can't be an introvert. I must be somewhere in the middle. And so my question back is, if you think you're in the middle, what exactly are you in the middle of? So to answer that, we have to get clear on what introversion really is. Let's bust a big myth as usual. Introverts don't dislike people. In fact, most of us introverts deeply value the people in our lives. Introversion isn't just about how social we are or how many events we attend.

David Hall [00:01:57]:
It isn't primarily about behavior or even how much you're enjoying being around others. Introversion is about where your focus and energy naturally go. The word itself gives us a clue. Introversion means that you're more often than not spending time in your inner world of ideas, your reflections, your imagination. We process our thoughts internally before we speak. Instead of sharing most everything as it comes to mind, like many extroverts tend to do, introverts think first and then speak, sharing what feels most important and meaningful. And we do need time alone to recharge after certain activities and interactions. But that solitude isn't just about rest.

David Hall [00:02:46]:
It's about focus, thinking, planning, and even some solitary fun. And yes, we still like to have fun with other people. Enjoying others doesn't suddenly make you an extrovert. For example, I have a big family, big extended family. And I thoroughly enjoyed a recent weekend with all of them. One of my sisters did a humorous roast of everyone, and I was proudly labeled the most successful introvert. And that moment captured something important for me. You can love people, be engaged, and even be the subject of jokes and stories, still be very clearly introverted.

David Hall [00:03:29]:
Introversion also doesn't mean shy. awkward, socially anxious. You can be shy, awkward, or anxious as an introvert or as an extrovert, but these are separate things. I often say that if you struggle with shyness or anxiety or awkwardness, understanding your introversion and your overall personality type can help you overcome some of those challenges. That was the case for me. Understanding that I think first, And then speak, that I need some time alone, that I do better with preparation. It completely changed or helped me overcome my shyness and gain confidence. So I use AI quite a bit when I'm researching things like personality and introversion.

David Hall [00:04:22]:
And you know, with any research and especially with AI, you gotta take it with a grain of salt. I'm seeing some misrepresentations. When I see, I'm definitely bothered when I see introverts portrayed as weak, broken, or less capable. And that's part of why I continue to do this work and share these messages. Introversion is not a defect. It's a powerful way of being in the world, a deep-thinking, internally driven orientation that can be an incredible gift in leadership, creativity, relationships, and In everyday life. So my hope is to help more people see introversion for what it truly is, embrace their quiet strengths, and design lives that work with their natural lean instead of against it. Similar to the way people use the term ambivert, I often hear people say, oh, it's all a spectrum.

David Hall [00:05:16]:
I do agree that there is a spectrum. Our personalities are complex and there's many factors beyond introversion and extroversion. And no one introvert or extrovert is alike. We, we all are, are different. So there is a spectrum, but just like with the term ambivert, I don't like how spectrum is sometimes used as I'm okay, kind of in-between statement. It can sound like because it's a spectrum, I can act like an introvert or an extrovert whenever I need to. So the label doesn't really matter. Here's what I'm saying instead.

David Hall [00:05:53]:
I am always an introvert. Over time, I've learned to understand myself, embrace my gifts, grow my skills. I'm no longer shy and I'm very confident. I enjoy doing this podcast. I enjoy public speaking. I enjoy spending time with family and friends. And none of that suddenly makes me an extrovert. For me, Talking about the spectrum isn't very helpful.

David Hall [00:06:18]:
What is helpful is understanding that I naturally operate by thinking before speaking, needing some time to prepare for many things like conversations, presentations, meetings, and I need some alone time every day. These patterns tell me I'm introverted regardless of how comfortable or skilled I've become in more so-called outward activities. So while I was doing some research, an article popped up about introverts, extroverts, and ambiverts. Let's walk through how they describe each one and explore where we might agree and where we might strongly disagree. It's great to show that labels are only useful if they help us understand our real needs and strengths. Not to gloss over them. And we gotta be very careful generalizing anything for all introverts or extroverts. And as we read through these, some things that this article suggested, we have to keep in mind is this is just a few things we could talk about.

David Hall [00:07:25]:
So many other real aspects of introversion, extroversion. We could bust many more myths, but I think this is a good list to go over. So here's what they're saying about introverts. Introverts prefer intimate gatherings with small groups of close friends. I think that's accurate. But notice it doesn't say we prefer no gathering or to always be alone. It says we prefer smaller gatherings. Smaller groups gives us more room for deeper conversations.

David Hall [00:07:59]:
We like conversation. We just don't want to stay in the shallow end for too long. That's what can be really draining. A deep conversation on a topic we care about can actually be energizing, especially with the right people. Another thing, we feel recharged after spending time alone. And I think that's mostly true. What I don't like is when people define introversion only as how you get your energy By being alone. And that's part of it, but not the whole picture.

David Hall [00:08:30]:
As I said earlier, we need time alone for many things— focusing, thinking, planning, simply enjoying ourselves. And as I mentioned, certain people and certain conversations can be energizing for us too. It says introverts avoid conflict when possible. I don't think you can generalize this to all introverts. There are many kinds of introverts and extroverts. Some avoid conflict, some don't mind it, and some even seem to thrive on it. This is more about other personality factors than just introversion itself. Introverts listen to and observe others carefully.

David Hall [00:09:10]:
They say that introverts can be good listeners, which I agree with the caveat that most conversations should go both ways. And I don't want to be characterized as a good listener in situations where the other person is doing all the talking and thinking I'm a good listener. I may or may not be in that case. I do think introverts can be keen observers, often noticing details and patterns others miss, which can lead to very innovative and creative ideas. Says introverts consider all decisions carefully before acting, just like with the conflict. I think this depends on the individual and their broader personality. Some introverts are very deliberative. Others can be quite decisive.

David Hall [00:09:54]:
It's not uniquely tied to introversion. So anyway, we could talk a lot more about things that are specific to introverts, myths that we just busted that, you know, things that aren't necessarily about introversion, extroversion. So here's what they say about extroverts. If you're an extrovert, you may be willing to take risks and try new things. Again, I say this depends on the person. Risk tolerance is influenced by many traits, not only introversion and extroversion. Feel energized when interacting with others. I think this one's generally true about extroverts.

David Hall [00:10:30]:
Extroverts often thrive on interactions with others. Introverts can feel energized by certain people and situations, but the pattern tends to be Different. I remember giving a presentation on personality strengths with an extroverted friend. I thoroughly enjoyed giving the presentation, but when it was over, I was ready for a break. She was ready to go again. And honestly, she probably would have if she could have. Extroverts find it draining to be alone. I think this is generally true for many extroverts.

David Hall [00:11:00]:
I remember during the pandemic when some extroverts went into the office, even when it wasn't required. Hoping to find some people to interact with. Introverts do need to be alone sometimes, but sometimes it's not a need, but we simply don't mind. Extroverts are enthusiastic about social events and gatherings. Yes, I believe that's true. Introverts can also be enthusiastic about social events and gatherings, but probably the right ones. As I said, I recently had a great time with my large family. And I was genuinely looking forward to it.

David Hall [00:11:37]:
I had a great time, but it was also nice to go home afterward. And sometimes it's about how the activity is conducted. For example, you might dread the moment when it's time to go around the circle and name 3 fun facts about yourself. Of course, we can prepare for that. And we could also, when possible, design more introvert-friendly icebreakers and activities. So extroverts speak up in crowds or group settings. I have a problem with this one. I don't think it's unique to extroverts.

David Hall [00:12:10]:
I know some very loud and outspoken introverts. I'm not afraid to speak up in crowds or group settings. In certain situations, I may need to prepare, but that doesn't mean I'm afraid to speak out. Make friends easily. In general, I think it's often easier for extroverts to make many friends. Extroverts may have all kinds of friends, both deep relationships and many acquaintances. Introverts tend to value fewer, deeper friendships, which can take longer to build. Introverts can also be more private, which can make it harder for others to get to know us, but that's something that we can work on intentionally.

David Hall [00:12:50]:
All right. And then here's what they said about ambiverts. Keep in mind, I don't use this term. Says ambiverts may feel comfortable spending time in social situations and alone. So they're saying both. I'm just saying introverts can feel comfortable spending time in social situations and alone. It doesn't mean you're in the middle. Being social doesn't make you an extrovert.

David Hall [00:13:15]:
Ambiverts may be cautious when trying new things and taking risks. Again, this just depends on the person. Caution and risk-taking. Are influenced by many traits, not just whether or not you're an introvert or extrovert or somewhere in the middle, as they're trying to say. Ambiverts adapt and problem solve easily. This also depends on the person and many personality factors. I don't think you can tie adaptability and problem solving directly to being an introvert or extrovert. Ambiverts Can be either an introvert or extrovert depending on the situation.

David Hall [00:13:53]:
Hopefully I've already debunked this one. I believe that you are an introvert or extrovert. And for me, someone, I'm someone who's a deep thinker and I turn inward to my thoughts more often than not. So I'm always an introvert no matter what I'm doing. I can act in however I choose, But my underlying orientation, thinking first, needing preparation, and needing some time alone, I remain an introvert. And the beautiful thing is, you know, some people use that word like, okay, I'm going to do some public speaking, so I got to tap into my extroversion. I don't say it that way. I just say, I'm going to do some public speaking and I need to look at my introvert strengths and needs.

David Hall [00:14:43]:
So for me, the question is not whether an introvert could do something, you know, again, public speaking, networking, leadership, fill in the blank. It's how we will do the thing in a way that uses our introverted strengths, honors our needs, and aligns with what we actually want. So I'll use one example, take the traditional networking event. Most of these seem designed with the extrovert in mind. I remember attending a particular event with an extroverted friend who wanted to meet everyone in the large gathering while I was hoping to have a couple of really great conversations. Going to the event and networking with people does not suddenly make me an extrovert, but I will say bouncing from person to person as fast as I can is not only not effective for me, it can be quite draining. As an introvert, I may really want to attend this event and look forward to meeting new people or reconnecting with old friends. So the real question is, how can I make this a success for me as an introvert and my authentic self? So in this example, I start with a clear goal.

David Hall [00:15:51]:
Do I want to meet 200 people? Likely not. Are there certain people I especially want to talk with? Would having 2 or 3 meaningful conversations, make this event a success for me. So when you're going to an event, what is your goal? And it may be very different from your extroverted friend, and neither is right or wrong. Sometimes introverts struggle with small talk, and that can be for a couple of reasons. For one, we're not always best at thinking on our feet, and sometimes we can come up with things to say, But we don't care for the shallow topics. In that case, we can prepare ahead of time, come up with a few simple talking points about what's going on in the world, in your work, or the event itself. Take an interest in the other person and ask what's going on with them. Another thing I've learned is to be okay with a little silence.

David Hall [00:16:48]:
We think and then speak. So it's natural for introverts to have a bit of silence between words exchanged. And if there is silence, it just means nobody's talking, not just you. And you may not enjoy talking about the price of gas or the weather, and you may rather discuss how to solve the world's problems. Just remember that talking about the weather might be a gateway to the deeper conversations you actually want. And we often need a little warm-up before we get to the good stuff. So when it comes to strategies, success at a networking event as an introvert can look very different from the extrovert version. And that's okay.

David Hall [00:17:27]:
You might arrive a little early to avoid the rush, plan on a graceful exit time when you're done, and aim for a set number of meaningful conversations rather than a maximum number of contacts. You can choose quieter spots in the room, pair up with a person at a time. Give yourself permission to step away and recharge briefly if you feel overwhelmed. And most importantly, you can define success in your own introvert-friendly way. Did I connect deeply with a few people? Did I listen well, share my ideas, stay true to myself? If the answer is yes, then the event was a success without trying to be someone you're not. So understanding introversion It's not about a label. It's not about where you fall on the spectrum or if you're somewhere in the middle. It's about using your strengths, bringing your needs, and putting these together to accomplish your goals and what you want.

David Hall [00:18:25]:
Thank you so much for joining me. I appreciate you. Hope you take the time to explore other episodes and learn from our amazing guests. If you're interested in getting to know yourself better, there's now a free TypeFinder personality assessment on the Quiet and Strong website. This free assessment will give you a brief report, including the 4-letter Myers-Briggs code. I'll add a link to the show notes. This resonated with you. I'd love to hear from you.

David Hall [00:18:50]:
Reach out at david@quietandstrong.com or through the quietandstrong.com website. And let's keep the conversation going. As always, get to know your introverted strengths and needs and be strong.